26.5.08

KUNG MAAARI LANG.

kung maari lang sana:
buburahin ko ang lahat ng kwento at istorya
bago pa kita natagpuan
at hahabi ako ng talinghanga
ng tungkol sa ating dalawa.


kung maari lang sana:
kakalimutan ko ang lahat ng memorya
matapos kang lumisan
at hahabi ako ng mga alaala
ng tungkol sa ating dalawa.


kung maari lang sana:
ililigpit ko ang lahat ng ibang gunita
at magtitira ng mangilan-ngilan
at hahabi ako ng mga tula
ng tungkol sa ating dalawa.

NAGHAHANAP ANG DI MAKAKITA

noon pa'y napag-aralan ko nang umiwas mapadako doon sa kulimlim. nanunuksong pilit na ako ay sumilip. ngunit hindi ako papasakop sa mapaglarong pangitain. sa mapanlinlang na guni-guni'y hindi ako papasupil. kung lalangoy ako sa dagat ng memorya mo, isip ko ay mapupuno lang ng agiw. alam na alam ko kasing mahirap nang umahon kapag nasimulan ko nang sumisid. hihilahin na palalim ng balintataw na praning. baka maubusan ng hininga't walang sumagip. sa kawalan mailigaw ng kahapong hindi sinasadyang nagpapaungkat at nagpapaukit. mas mabuting dito nalang ako, nakalutang, malayo sa bingit.
inaangkin na kita

at wala na ngang silbi pa ang paghuhukay sa mga gulanit ng piraso mong matagal na panahon nang nakalibing.

MEANTIME GIRL

She's the one you call when you need an instant date to your next company party. She's the first person you can think of calling when you just had a fight with "the girl". She willingly gives you the "woman's perspective" on anything without getting all emotional and sentimental about every single thing. You love hanging out with her because, she's funny, she's quirky and for the meantime, she's not interested in relationships which makes it perfect for you (she'll joke about your "player" reputation instead of frowning about it). You love calling her because she doesn't get into fights with you about why you didn't call earlier or anything trivial like the way you dress, or why you put too much gel on your hair. You never have to try hard to look nice when you come and see her. Although she is not afraid to make fun of you and tell you how stupid you look with your new highlights. You never have to open doors for her or douse yourself with perfume because you know for sure, she will make fun of you. There's no awkward silence in your conversations and you never have to worry about making stupid jokes just to fill the silence because you know, she will make you feel silly about your corny jokes.

Your relationship with the meantime girl is based more on silliness, wise cracks, insults and occasional flirting. You know she will make fun of you when tell her details of your rendezvous with "the girl" but you tell her anyway because it's so much fun when you can laugh at something that seemed absurd at the time without bruising your ego. Plus, the stories become really funny anecdotes you can actually retell over and over again. It works both ways because she will tell you details of her dates with her exes and you crack each other up simply because her stories make you feel less of an idiot afterwards.

She's actually quite a challenge to be friends with if not for her very engaging sense of humor. She can come up with a million definitions for "moron" and "idiot" and she's not afraid to use them on you. She's brutally honest and she hits you more times than you care to count. She will suggest books for you to read but expect that she will mess up the ending of books you haven't read or even movies or TV shows you haven't seen. She has PMS almost constantly and will insult you at every opportunity. She eats as much as you do and actually finishes her food when you eat out. She takes advantage of the fact that you can legally drive and with all the free dating tips she gives you, you feel obliged to be her personal chauffeur.

And of course, beyond her i-don't-need-a-man exterior, she has that peculiar, almost adorable way of making you feel that what you say or do actually matters. You have mastered the art of taking note of every single little thing because she taught you that girls get gaga over these "little" things. She will help you pick out the perfect gift for "the one". You now know the value of compliment even if it's the simplest thing you can possibly come up with. And she made it easier to understand why girls can never have enough bags or shoes or lip gloss. Or why girls get so irritated at certain times of the month.

Your relationship with the meantime girl is perfect simply because you never have to try too hard to make it work -- no emotional melodramas, no complex relationship stuff that always makes you go crazy. At the same time, she has the sensitivity of a real best friend in a way that she can read you that most of the guys you've ever hang out with. She can tell almost instantly when you're feeling bad about something and offer you a quick trip to the nearest coffee place so you can talk about emotional stuff without feeling like an idiot (strangely enough, these talks don't feel as strangulating as when you have the "real talk" with the "real" girl). She is always available when you need to talk or to hang out with anyone else who can talk about anything other than basketball. And it's almost amazing that you've never actually pictured her to take the place of "the girl" even when you can almost swear you two have had your "moments". Of which, you can remember her giving you the don't-you-dare-fall-in-love-with-me look that she seemed to have perfected over the years.
Admit it. Being with the meantime girl makes you think of being with "the one"; especially, because there's something about her that you can't seem to get enough of. The truth is, she is more attractive and smarter than most of the girls you've ever gone out with. You have been a witness of how she grew into this beautiful woman anyone would be crazy not to spend forever with. You've had moments when you try to convince yourself to think of her as the girl friend, the alternative to your guy friends, and not as a "real" woman who can take the place of "the girl". And though in moments of heightened loneliness, you sometimes think of the possibility of something happening between you and the meantime girl but you are too scared to tell her how you feel. What you feel for her is something so difficult to define that it wouldn't be fair to consider possibilities of anything romantic happening between the two of you. Plus, the fact that you know more about her personal life, i.e. her past dating experiences than any other guy, makes you feel that going beyond friendship would mean betraying her trust.

So instead, meantime boy, you prefer to keep quiet and enjoy the company of the meantime girl. It's comforting because it's safe. There are no expectations to take things to the next level. No pressure. No real worries. Plus, being with her has tested all your capabilities to be with "the one". And when that time comes, you know that all the conflicting emotions you have for the meantime girl would dissolve. Though in the back of your mind, you hope that this "meantime-ness" would remain and that your meantime girl wouldn't rush to be someone else's forever. You'd hope she'll be by your side to pick you up in case you fall down again. Really, there is no reason to doubt the value of her existence. You have reason to hope for the best in your future relationships. After all, you've had years and years of practice.

She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.

She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable - she doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine.
You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won't bother her that you'll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She'll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She's just so cool . . . why can't all women be like that?!

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair.
You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs - she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off. Maybe she's too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman.

So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.
You'll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she'll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.

She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.
She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

I just want to let every guy know who's ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too. A lot. And someday we won't be around.

SECRET LANG

SIKRETO
hindi naman masyadong importante ang mga sasabihin ko. sa katunayan, mas maraming higit na mahalaga kaysa sa ganitong mga sumpong. huwag kang mabahala, hindi din ako nagrereklamo; at wala akong balak na ipaalam pa sa'yo ang maliliit na alimpuyong bumibisita sa'king mundo.

mahirap nang mabatid mong nasasabik ako sa iyong mga akbay at baka lumaki pa ang iyong ulo kung mabisto mong pantasya ko madalas ang makahawak ka ng kamay. gusto kong ilihim na buong araw kang paroo't parito sa'king utak at hindi sinasadyang di ko mapigil na pangarapin ang madampian ng iyong paglingap.

ayokong maging eksperto ka sa pagbasa mo sa akin. malamang na kapag namemorya mo ako'y maglaho ang misteryo't agad ka nang mainip. may kababawan lamang itong mga nambubuskang saglit, ayaw ko nang dumagdag sa malalalim mong iniisip dahil may sariling din namang galaw ang iyong daigdig.

kaya nga't hayaan mo nalang at lilipas din ang aking pabugso-bugsong drama. ikukubli nitong pahaging na mga tugma kung gaano akong pinapatay unti-unti ng mga sandaling hinahanap-hanap ka.

*..missing you. i think i'm starting to suck at this!

GUSTO KO SANA

gusto kong pagsisihan ang unang araw na nadatnan kitang may nakahandang ngiti at mga katanungan ukol sa kakayahan kong umintindi ng isang katulad mo. gusto kong kalimutan ang pagkatunaw ng aking kabuuan nang malaman kong ikaw ang magbubuno sa mga kakulangan ko. gusto kitang iwanan na lang sa isang tabi at hayaaang mapulot ng iba dahil kahit hawak kita ay malayo pa rin ang tingin mo. para kang may hinahanap na iba.

ang hapdi noon. pero baka hindi mo lang maintindihan. baka hindi lang nagtatagpo ang mga isip natin. baka ang akala kong nakita mo sa akin ay nasa ibang anyo. [ang kinakatakot ko] baka hindi ka talaga para sa akin.
gusto kitang kalimutan, pero gusto rin kitang alalahanin. baka kasi mabulag ka at maisip mong tama na sa iyo ang kung anong mayroon (o wala) ako.

12.4.08

PAANO KUNG PAG GISING KO MAHAL PA DIN KITA?

Paano kung paggising ko,
mahal pa rin kita?
Kung ang mga nilimot na halik
Ay isa-isang magtampisaw
sa manhid ko nang alaala?

Paano kung sa magdamag
na pagtulog ang kinahimbingang
anino'y
ikaw pa rin?

Paano kung ang sagot
sa mapangutyang ginaw
ng madaling araw
ay ang alaala
ng yakap mong
hindi na akin?

Paano kung ang hatinggabi'y
palilipasin pa rin
sa paglimot
at pagsilip sa sikat ng araw
mula sa aking silid?

Kung ang halinghing ng hangin
ay bubulong ng
pangalan mong
di na rin kailanman bibigkasin …

Kung ang kakapain pa ri'y
kung saan muling maririnig
ang iyong tinig …

Kung paggising ko
mahal pa rin kita,
tulog akong magluluksa
sa puso kong
nalimutang muli
ang magmahal ng sariling pagka

Ilang beses na akong umayaw.
Paulit-ulit na nilasing ang
Sarili
sa mga usok at ingay,
sa mga salitang sinulat sa
naglalahong guhit ng papel.

Pagkat ang paglaya
sa pagsasama nating
kay tamis - kay pait
Ay pagbitiw sa kadena
ng iyong pagkalinga.

Ilang libong hakbang na ang
nilakad papalayo sa iyo
nagpupumilit na di na lumingon
na di na rin tumingin,
na hindi na makaramdam.

Kung paggising ko,
mahal pa rin kita
Mag-aalay ako ng balde-baldeng luha
(sindami ng iniyak ko sa nagdaang paglaya)
Pagkat gabi pa rin ang gabi
kung ikaw pa rin ang iibigin
Hindi pa marahil nagbubukangliwayway.
Hihintayin ko ang
tilaok ng manok
Upang magising sa isang mapaglarong
bangungot.

Kung paggising ko'y
mahal pa rin kita,
babalikan ko ang
mga panaginip
at papatayin ang
alaala.

26.3.08

IKAW NA MAGING SUPER.

DAHIL ALAM KONG BALANG ARAW.

wala na akong pakielam kahit murahin pa ako ng panahon kung isisigaw kong napakasaya ko. ako man ay hindi makapaniwalang hindi lang ito isang magandang bangungot; dahil kahit ilang beses ko pang sampalin ang aking mga pisngi o kurutin ang aking mga braso, sadyang hindi ka naglalaho. hindi ka katulad lamang ng mahaharot kong ilusyon. at lalong hindi ka isang panaginip na mayayakap lamang sa aking pagtulog. ikaw ay buhay na pangarap na hindi ko ni minsan inakalang masasalubong. binigyan mo ng malalim na kahulugan ang mga minutong kapag kasama kita, sinasamo ko na sana'y huwag nang matapos.
magiging habangbuhay nang talinghaga kung papaano mo binago ang ikot ng mundo.

AT DAHIL ALAM KONG IKAW NA YUN.. SANA..

sa bawat paglapat ng mga daliri mo sa espasyo ng sa akin ay tila humahangos itong puso sa pagpintig. tahimik na humihimig ang daigdig ngunit nadaig pa nila ang aking pagkasabik. nakakampante na sa'yong mga akbay at napapalagay sa malamyos mong mga pagtitig. umikot ba't kumislot ang mundo nang mabilis? o marahil din namang matagal nang tsumetsempo ang tadhana sa atin? kung ano pa man ang katwiran ng pagkakataon ay nagpapasalamat akong kabanata mo sa buhay ko'y hindi sinasadyang nagsimulang maipaskil.
..at sana alam mong hindi ko talaga maipaliwanag kung bakit at paanong tuwing nasa tabi kita ay mas maningning ang pagkislap ng mga bituin.